Day 1: denial and heartbreak

Five hours ago I said goodbye to my girlfriend of five years, Kim. In the moments leading to my departure there was no yelling or blaming, just tears and choked words of emotions. After a week of trying to convince her that there might be a way we could save this, I knew she needed me to go, I could no longer submit her to my barrage of recent emotional insights. She had nothing left.

We had been together for five years and much of it had been rough. We had amazing potential, if only we could have hit that sweet spot. Unfortunately it started rough from the start. We began dating immediately after I got out of an 8 year relationship and while I knew I needed to heal she enthralled me. Looking back I should have backed away while I figured myself out, I knew that is what I needed, but I had always wanted to be with someone like her. Five years later, I regret that decision more than anything in my life.

So here I am, on a friends couch desperately hoping that this is not the end. My mind is clinging to every possible reason to believe we will be together again. I know the reality is that regardless of Kim, I will be okay with time, lot’s of time. That’s at least what people keep telling me.  Though it’s hard to keep in perspective right now as my heart feels ripped from my chest. I have never cried so intensely in my life.

The bittersweet and most painful part of this experience is that Kim and I connected during this breakup more than we had in years. The old adage “better late than never” seems to have fallen flat in this case. What cruelty it is to see a long lost friend come back to life only to have them ripped from your hands at the same time.

Day 1: denial and heartbreak